I've been finidng it difficult to be in a calm, meditative state for a long while now. Since last year when I retired and honestly about a year before that. Health issues, stress from business work and seeing and end to a lot of personal suffering that was still months away.
I'd thought I'd feel calmer by now. That even though there would be stress, I'd be much more relaxed and rested from good sleep to handle whatever life threw at me.
I was wrong lol. I have to laugh because otherwise I'm wringing my hands and I'm scared. Is this it? Is this all that I'm capable of? Have I burned myself out so badly that I can't actually recover?
I say that because I do not feel any closer to this goal of some Zen-ish experience. I would take chill even, forget anything beyond even that. I'm drifting further away, both away from the sinking ship but also caught in a current away from the nearest shore. Out into deeper sea, parched and unwell.
One reason is that I'm not doing the things that I used to that allowed for calm. I used to be able to shut my office door, put on headphones, and zone out to ASMR or relaxation videos. But now I'm stuck out in the house all day with no refuge, no quiet. All I have is walks and runs and they don't last nearly as long as a typical office day.
Some signs of stress: not willing to stop and read a book, not able to put my phone down or away, not going for long walks twice a day, not going to bed on time, eating snacks after dinner, eating large meals, not sitting on a meditative cushion, not listening to meditation daily, not creative writing more often, not asking for personal space.
I feel like I have all the ingredients for a really great cake but I don't have the recipe. Actually, I even have downloaded and printed the recipe; I'm just too busy lying on the sofa doomscrolling to get on with making the cake!
I've also noticed that my mind still operates as before – high speed, looking for distraction, unable to focus on one thing for a long time. I have re-modelled my brain over the years to an unhealthy structure. I should expect it will take time to (hopefully) change it back or to something even better.
Having written all that, I feel that I know what to do. Practice gratitude, live in the moment, focus on a good sleep routine, and make some time for myself each day that doesn't involve screens or productivity or anything really.