(from https://www.tumblr.com/maximilian42/13215594127/inverting-my-life published Nov 24th 2011)
I spend a lot of time in introspection. Too much if I judge the amount of words I've spun out over the years in journals like this.
Not enough time creating. Even now, when I look at what I have on my list of tasks, there is virtually no creation involved. It's management, it's administration. It's important as a cog in a business to move things forward. But it is not creating with my mind and my hands.
I live in between the digital and physical world. It's been this way forever as I can recall. When I took those career aptitude tests, I was either a forest ranger or a computer programmer. It hasn't been easy to merge those two before but ironically with mobile technology today it probably can be turned into a career!
But I struggle with the physical world. My weight, my sinuses and allergies, my tendency to not deal well with physical problem-solving. These weigh on me. Yet, it's the inspiration of physical movement, of nature, of the sun on my skin that makes me feel truly alive.
I live in a digital world. I am quite adept at manipulating and working with computers. I read extremely fast and can handle myself without any fear. And yet, here I sit longing to not sit.
If I listen well, it points me to being more active but still focus mainly on digital creation. Even my desire to write or draw is something I avoid actually doing. I live inside my mind where I discover my inner side and inner thoughts.
I have a desire to invert all of this. To stop talking to myself and start creating external conversation. I don't have to use my voice (physically) but rather I can communicate through creating works.
I want to invert to be physical and learn to cope with my discomforts. It might mean getting outside more without purpose. Or to really find my purpose outside that doesn't involve taking out the garbage or raking the lawn or driving to a store.
Where this goes and the interplay intrigues me.
The organizing thought though is that I need to act and create more. My list of things to do and accomplish in my life needs to show a completely different side of me.
A "create" to do list... right now I tend to put tasks in response to what needs to be done rather than what I want to do. And therefore, that is what I get to work on.
If I fill my tasks with creative wants, maybe I will be forced to see that I deal with the unwanted stuff more quickly to shove them out of the way?